It was a beautiful warm October day and I had no idea what this day would actually entail. But I found out pretty quickly that it was going downhill and FAST! See my YouTube video to learn more about The burrito in our lives.

Have you ever just had a shitty week? Like most of the entire week was shitty for me. I forgot I was out of one of my meds and omg! The affect it had on me had me confused until today--ah ha! I said, that damn medicine!!!! I felt like an idiot. My whole week mentally was off because of one med? Like for real, I take 4 and this little one had me off??? That shit is scary and I never want to feel such intense negative emotions ever again. And to put salt on the womb, I had to completely disconnect, delete, and unfriend someone who I thought was a real friend. We have been friends for 6 years and it went from sugar to SHIT this past year. Ya'll have no idea how much shit they brought into my life and then it eventually became my burden too. This was not me, but it was me... I knew better than to let someone use me. To blatantly disrespect me. To constantly humiliate me. Showing me they are a chronic liar. Making it crystal clear I wasn't a good enough friend.  But I stayed and tried to mend the friendship, we both agreed. Then sugar went to shit again, and again, and again. In the 4th quarter, I finally had had enough. None of my friends had ever treated me so unkind and ugly ever! So, when I had enough that's when I gained my self-confidence back. my self-love, and was able to separate my heart and head. I really like a song my Sade its called "Love is Stronger Than Pride." This used to be one of my favorite songs, but not anymore. My pride--unfortunately is going to win this battle. I'm, praying it does because this friendship meant the world to me and it was snatched from underneath me as if i were standing on a rug and someone pulled it and I landed on my face. I had to let go. I could no longer bear the vases that are made for holding and keeping beautiful flowers safe---being thrown at the wall, getting shattered, and the pieces are left. Not for them to clean up, because they walked away, but I was left to pick them up. I had really had enough at this point. Because it was not the first time the pieces were laid before me to pick them up. 

I have so many tools under my belt to help me when a tragic life event happens to me, but this week I was stuck like chuck ya'll. It wasn't until today that I REALLY HAD HAD ENOUGH. This was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a very, very long time.
I am going to miss her.
I just hope I don't forget theses meds again! And I keep the strength that I gained this week.
​-Brandlyn

I extend all the joy and happiness to you in this new year. Ya'll its been a year for us. Many of our mental illnesses have gotten worse since the pandemic. I know mine has. My anxiety, bipolar, and depression has definitely gotten worse. I've done my best to take care of myself and that I had to come to terms with. What about you? How have you handled your mental health during the pandemic? What are your goals moving forward. I would recommend talking to trusted people and therapy for outlets, safe spaces, and for your sanity! 
This year I miscarried, lost several family members, separated from my husband, and these life changes have been so difficult at times, my Xanax couldn't stop the panic attacks. But what I did find is that my weighted blanked does wonders for me; if you can find one and afford it---try it immediately! 
This year I have BIG GOALS THAT BEGAN AS DREAMS! THAT WILL NOW TURN INTO MY REALITY!!! I want the same for you! Take charge of those dreams and make them a reality!

So, my Brain Dump. If you don't know what this is, you're about to find out. I'm dumping everything in my mind that I need to get out. First of all, I feel like I'm damaged goods because of some poor choices I've made. I miss my baby so much and the miscarriage bothers me in my dreams almost nightly. I am worried about finding a job. I lost my job due to covid back in September...and boy oh boy it has made me feel so inadequate. I have several degrees and I have applied for so many jobs. I feel like at 36 years old with 2 children to support. I'm like wtf!!!! This has severely affected all of my mental health diagnoses. So, my PTSD is in overload because of losing my job. My anxiety got so bad I needed a new prescription- I've only had a few panic attacks once this medicine was prescribed. And you're talking about depression. I can't even explain how many of my methods for my bipolar I've tapped into to keep me from going into a Manic episode or full on Mania. Bipolar scares the shit out of me, like really. The polar opposites seem to be more present in me than the even keel middle ground. If you have bipolar how do you know when you're going into Mania?
For me, I can't sleep. My ambien doesn't work, and I am up for 24-48 hours. Ugggghhhhhh. This is so not healthy, but there goes bipolar. I do not like unwanted personal suggestions, I know some people in my life sometimes mean well, but last year almost made me turn into a LION with all of the negativity--which will not exist in my life anymore. I've set boundaries and I plan on keeping them. I am finally able to get back in with my therapist and she's so amazing! I can't wait to start our sessions again next week! I made some regrettable decisions that haunt me sometimes at night when I'm trying to sleep. I wish this would stop. I need to revise my daily routine. I know I need to and that dream will become a goal, then I will succeed. What else is on my mind???? So much more, so I'll stop with the brain dump now.