It's been a while ya'll. And I'm so blessed to be here to share a little bit with you all. It's November 2021 and many of you reading this have lost loved ones this year, and I want to acknowledge your losses and encourage you right now as you grieve. If you're reading this, you still have a chance to choose you. I've recently transitioned out of a therapy routine which consisted of two 1 hour sessions every week. This has been happening since about May of this year and looking back I can't believe how much I've learned about myself and how much I have to celebrate. Celebrate! Me, celebrate my accomplishments used to seem so selfish to me, so self-centered, so stuck-up, just "ugh" girl bye! But let me tell you, waiting for or seeking external validation is a thing of the past. 

Let's talk a moment about self-love and define it. When you love yourself you appreciate yourself and hold your well-being and happiness in high regard. Self-love  is taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your own to please others and the "act" looks different from person to person. Self-love is a term often tossed around that has become popular, but it is vital to understand and act on for the sake of your mental wellness.  

Over the past couple of months, I have gone through some pretty significant life changes that I never imagined I would--life altering, world-shattering, bring you to your knees, crying out to the Lord WHY ME changes. I am now divorced. And this new way of life, this new normal, was and still is hard to even say. This is when I began my self-love quest. You know why it began here? Well I realized I really did not like or love me like I said I did. 
1. We should treat ourselves like we want others to treat us. Say it ain't so! I was definitely not doing this. My relationship with God was so torn, I made room for the devil to tap dance all over my mental health and make a bad situation much worse! THOUGHTS! Yes thoughts. The way I would think of myself would always be in some sort of negative way. If you didn't know this yet, but if you're thinking it, you're most likely living it. I would say things like, " You're worthless, you're raising your children in a broken home, you allowed the devil to win, you aren't a good person, you are weak... " you get it. When I should have been saying, " You are so resilient for recognizing that the negative self-talk and thoughts you have about yourself are untrue! You are growing as a person and taking charge of your life by committing to your relationship with the Lord and going to therapy twice a week" We are what we think.

2. I began taking care of myself when I challenged the negative stories I created about myself.
3. I had to learn to recognize and ACCEPT my emotional state. Journaling about my emotional state helps a lot.
4. Here's a big one!!! I had to become more understanding with myself, hold a space for empathy. I'm learning how to have an active understanding for my mistakes and my perceived losses, and learning how to effectively communicate with ME about ME without harshly judging ME and punishing ME. Oh I'm good at punishing ME! Its so ugly, but a lesson learned and so much growth has happened because of what I have unlearned about punishing myself. 
5. I've been choosing me so good, I've been inserting and utilizing this word a little more frequently in conjunction with another word and wait for it... NO and Boundaries. (clears throat) Yep, make that two words that work together for my good and yours. Boundaries and the word No. And now that I think about it, why not Boundaries and YES?! Yes to the things that protect me, value me, that are healthy for me, that I choose for me, that feed my soul, that are not self-sacrificing. Boundaries and YES! (this wasn't planned, shrugs)

I decided to start treating me like I treat a confused child. I don't scold it. I don't shame it. I don't beat it down. I ask, "What are you trying say? What do you want to tell me?" 

I chose me. I'm choosing me. And with God this new chapter will bring new wisdom. I won't be quitting on HIM again because he never, ever quit or gave up on me. I will push. I will cry. I will fall, and I will rise. 
James 1:2-4

When I was diagnosed with endometriosis in 2019, I was so relieved. Not only had I found a doctor who actually listened to me, but she had an answer for my debilitating pain. After years of confusion, dozens of doctors and several misdiagnosis, I felt like I could breathe again.
 
But last year proved to test me even more physically and mentally as well.
 
I thought the height of my pain was a few years ago when I became the caregiver for my mother who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. What I didn't yet know was that I had endometriosis and my chronic pain was just one symptom of many that I was experiencing. For over a year, I ignored my pain, put my business on hold & got a nanny job so that I could properly care for my mother all while still homeschooling my son and continuing my education through trainings and doula courses.
 
While I have been able to somewhat manage my physical pain since being diagnosed, I was not at all prepared for how endometriosis and stress would affect my mental health.
 
If 2020 taught us nothing, it taught us to focus on health and whole body wellness, especially mental health. Many things changed for me professionally and navigating a business during a pandemic was more than challenging. And due to the nature of my work, I had to make huge operational changes that completely modified the way I worked and connected with my clients. To say I was stressed was an understatement. Thank God for my husband who proved to be my saving grace and comfort more often that not after a long day of Zoom consultations and birth support. During this time, my main source of stress relief was halted overnight: exercise. I am a Zumba instructor as well as a doula and when Covid-19 began to rapidly spread across my city, county and state, everything was shut down including my classes. Truth be told, I was already planning the next phase of my fitness journey, but I did not anticipate how long my classes would be on hold. It has been over a year since I taught my last Zumba class and yes, I miss my students and the dance floor terribly. But it didn't matter.
My body was holding on to so many emotions, it was presenting itself as physical pain and suffering which left me no energy or desire to exercise anyway.
 
May 2020 proved to be one of the hardest months to endure due to the murder of George Floyd. Between the news and social media, I was in a constant cycle of being triggered and when I am emotionally triggered, my body responds well before my brain has a chance to even process what is happening. This is likely due to my childhood and the sexual abuse I experienced as a young girl. Believe it or not, this was a HUGE revelation for me. Why you ask? Making the connection between my pain and what I was consuming (news, gossip, negativity, lies, videos of unarmed black and brown people being murdered, political propaganda and yes, even food) helped me to make the necessary changes to slow and break the continuous cycle of triggers and pain so that I can permanently release all the built up negativity and projections that I am physically and mentally holding on to.
 
I have known for some time that I have a stronger intuition about certain things than most people. Attunement is a word often used in the birth world when describing the way

doulas connect with our clients. My son has actually helped me to tap into my own empathic power. What I have learned on my healing journey is that I am also an empath. However, I have recently discovered that this spiritual gift has been blocked in one way or another since I was a kid. So the more I teach my son to lean into his own power, the more I learn about my own and that has given me a peace I haven't had in long time. It assures me that I am indeed headed in the right direction with my healing.
 
This year I am continuing to focus on my mental health and releasing any blockages that may be holding me back from fully realizing my purpose. Connecting with other "endo warriors'' has also been important for me over the last year. Maintaining relationships and enjoying an active personal life can be difficult both physically and mentally with endometriosis or any chronic illness. Aside from my husband and my close girlfriends, the Endo Black community has been an amazing part of my journey. It's an organization dedicated to spreading endometriosis awareness and supporting the black and brown women who live with the disease. Not only do I receive information on how to manage my endo, I have found a tribe of individuals like me who can relate to a painful, life-altering condition that most people have never even heard of. The comradery and compassion is refreshing and healing. I started writing and journaling again. I have been meditating and practicing Reiki therapy. I am moving my body intentionally through yoga and nature walks. I am also exploring acupuncture and sound therapy. I am open to any and all things that will facilitate healing and mental wellness. The most important thing is that I am happy and whole so that I can properly care for myself, my family and my clients.
 
You can read my complete endo story and learn more about endometriosis here.

Bipolar is a mood disorder that causes extreme, sometimes severe shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, changes in behavior, changes in thinking, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. ​

It was December 2019, cold, cloudy, and just plain old sad day if you needed some natural vitamin D. I had been at this IOP (intensive outpatient program) at this point for almost 3 months. And little did I know, I would be getting yet another diagnosis. A diagnosis that explained the last 7 years of my life. The psychiatrist called me in for my appointment and told me, "Brandlyn, I've been seeing you twice a week for 3 months, and after all of our sessions together, we have a diagnosis." I was holding my breath. I didn't know what in the world she was going to say. I knew something was wrong, but I wasn't expecting her to say, "Brandlyn, you have Bipolar Disorder." At this point it seemed like time stopped and my entire being was just focused on my 5 senses. I remember feeling the cold leather chair, smelling the lavender, seeing her face full of empathy, I had a metallic taste in my mouth, and I heard the white noise machine. She called my name and I "snapped" out of it.

She proceeded to explain how she came to this conclusion. Then she explained everything she could about Bipolar. She went into great detail; subsequently, she did exactly what I needed and expected of her. Then came the talk about how it presented in my life. These stories, I did not want to re-tell or re-live. I had to discuss these events because they were the first steps to living a full life with this disorder. She pointed out the times when I became Bipolar--which did not surprise me at all. My mom's death is what triggered and brought my bipolar to the forefront and it settled into my life and now my brain has changed and  now...
The and now is the hard part.

Since my diagnosis, I have have several instances of Mania, Hypomania, Depression, and I've evened out too.
Living with this disorder makes me feel like I'm always fighting for my life. Always fighting against the numerous side effects and risks that come with this disorder. When a person is Manic (mania) they can spend too much money, gamble, make risky decisions, suicidal ideation, insomnia, legal problems, poor work performance, drug and alcohol abuse, racing thoughts, unusual talkitiveness, euphoria, abnormally wired, upbeat or jumpy. And more. 

I can recognize now when I am cycling through the different stages of my bipolar. This is very  important and it was extremely hard. But not as hard as the number one thing people with bipolar need; and that is SLEEP. I have insomnia. But the best thing for someone with Bipolar is sleep...? One of my signs is severe insomnia and not being tired and completely wired. For me, this means I am up for at least 24 hours straight. That's my first sign. Then it's time for me to put the work in. I have to become very conscious of my thought patterns, getting rest, self care methods, money spending, and racing thoughts (which are not always happy thoughts). 

Sometimes I get a little down because of the diagnosis and scared too. It gets me down because I'm starting to cycle pretty rapidly. Also, I get down because sometimes I feel like it is controlling my life. I know it isn't but the way I think about things is something I am working on. I used to be embarrassed, but now I am not. But what I am is scared. I'm scared of the side effects and if I will pass this down to one or both of my children. I don't want to be THAT helicopter mom, but with all of my diagnoses; especially bipolar, it makes me want to keep a keen eye on them. I do not want them to suffer like I did for so many years not knowing what was wrong with me. 

My bipolar totally changed my relationship with my spouse. From the point it began, that's when we began to have marital issues. I had so many major depressive episodes and bouts of mania its not even funny. And he had to live with that person. I feel so bad for him because he tried to understand, just like me. We did not know what was wrong. And our marriage suffered greatly. 

So how did I get bipolar (and another contributor to my PTSD) ? My brain had a major change on June 15, 2013. It's like I felt it splitting and leaving my body. It's like a chunk of my heart literally was cut out and I was left with a piece for mere survival. The air had a summer night sounds and smells all around. The passenger window was down and was between gasping for air and screaming out of the window. All I could taste were salty tears as they were flooding my face like a hurricane. My 54 year-old mother died. Suddenly. While I was holding another child in my arms. I was a nanny. The news shocked me and I was so angry people were trying to tell me through text message. I WAS SO ANGRY ABOUT THE TEXT! I'm rocking the 3 year old as it was his first time without his parents at bed time--in total shock. I felt the shattering beginning to happen. The worst part of it all--is that I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first child Rachel and my mom Daphine's first grandchild. When my husband came to pick me up, I really couldn't comprehend what was happening until I got in the car with him, he wouldn't let me drive my car, and he told me. That's when all of my senses were activated, my emotions were stimulated, and my heart and mind shattered. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE SAME. This traumatic event is not only one of the most significant things that contributed to my diagnosis, but this event was so triggering and distressing it became a symptom of my PTSD. 

So how do I deal? How do I deal with my bipolar? I use a mood tracker app called Emoods. It helps me track my moods and other things. It keeps me abreast of patterns and this is important because of the health risks that are associated with this disorder. I talk bout it a lot. I talk about it with my support team. Having a support team is imperative no matter what type of mental illness you have. A simple talk, a long talk, a text, a video conversation, ect. can elevate your mood and allow you to acknowledge what is honestly happening with you. I have a support team of 7. I have 7 different people who have committed to being on my team! Shout out to the team! I love each and every one of them and they know who they are :) And lastly, I use meds to help also. And yes, they help. But they do not fix anything, they help me manage the symptoms. 

I'm an advocate now. I am no longer embarrassed now. This is my life now. I love my life and all it has to offer me. I am worthy of a fulfilling life. I am worthy of someone loving me the way that I am. I deserve and will only accept and give my best in this life--while living with bipolar disorder. 
Peace and Love to you all.
Brandlyn 

1. PTSD is not a mental disorder exclusive to military service members. 
2. PTSD is a serious potentially debilitating condition that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a natural disaster, serious accident, terrorist incident, sudden death of a loved one, war, violent personal assault such as rape, or other life-threatening events. There are currently about 8 million people in the United States living with PTSD. (adaa.org)
3. A diagnosis of PTSD can only happen after certain symptoms ​for at least a month. These are at least one re-experiencing symptom (traumatic event)  at least one avoidance symptom, at least two arousal and reactivity symptoms, and at least two cognition and mood symptoms.
4. The goal of PTSD treatment is to reduce the emotional and physical symptoms, to improve daily functioning, and to help the person better manage with the event that triggered the disorder.
5. PTSD can be broken down into 4 different categories: 
   1. Reliving:  repeatedly reliving the trauma through thoughts and memories. These may include flashbacks and nightmares.  They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.
   2. Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind them of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends.
   3. Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms also.  
   4. Negative cognition's and mood: This refers to thoughts and feelings related to blame, estrangement, and memories of the traumatic event.

  Now that we are equipped with these facts, let's talk about providing support for our community of friends and family who live with PTSD. First, ask how you can support. Each individual, literally has a different brain and processes PTSD differently. So, ask how you may support. Second, please do not pressure them into talking if they do not want to. This may be a trigger. Third, educate yourself on PTSD; thankfully, there are many resources like: NAMI, PTSD.va.gov, and many more. And last, please understand that PTSD does not only affect our brave service members. This illness has no face, no color, no blood type, no job description, and no two brains are a like. 

It was a beautiful warm October day and I had no idea what this day would actually entail. But I found out pretty quickly that it was going downhill and FAST! See my YouTube video to learn more about The burrito in our lives.